i was always your typical "good girl." went to private school, cute lil uniform skirt, did well in school, well mannered, the kind of young lady any guy could bring home to meet the fam. so of course that meant my ass liked the guys i knew better than to bring home. smh woe is me right? lol growing up, i always ended up with a "bad boy". it seemed like that was all i attracted. they liked my polished look, i liked their rough edges. i grew up and kinda got over that. i got over having a "type". met a guy that was the total opposite of what i'd been used to. though i'd finally hit jackpot. he was an asshole too -_-
now im into my "real" adult years and i find that a lot of my friends are getting married and starting families. yeah, a lot of them are having kids too, but that has nothing to do with the weight of water. i can get pregnant tomorrow. but i can't get married tomorrow. you get what i mean? i've always been quite the romantic. i won't say hopeless, but a romantic yet and still. i'm convinced there is a man perfect for me out there. he's not necessarily a perfect man, but perfect for me. HUGE difference.
i find that im most attracted to men that are out of my reach. the one guy in the room who pays me no mind, the one guy who doesn't reciprocate my affections, and even worse, the guy i know i have NOOOO business dealing with; guys just up to no good period (i just can't shake my attraction to bad boys). i also find that either im only attracting guys that are only interested in physical relationships, or immature guys whos better judgement just flies out the door once u invite them in (also y i just don't bother inviting guys over anymore). its like i can't win. you start talking to a guy. he seems cool, then he disappears, or can't keep his hands to himself after you meet up, or he is in some ridiculously unappealing situation that shadows perilously over my better judgement. i just can't.
a few weeks ago, all of this hit me hard. i began to wonder, "is it me? what am i doing that im attracting such negative 'relationship' energy?" "why me?" i think im a pretty great person, and have a lot to offer to not only a relationship, but a friendship as well. so wtf? now, pause the story. i have had some "good" men in my life. guys i could bring home. but im not attracted to them! one way or another, i find something in them that wont let me take it past friends. the guys that would make "great husbands" don't quite interest me as boyfriends (twisted, i know). and the guys that i'm interested in making boyfriends tend not to work out in the long run. im hitting walls in every direction.
i recently heard about a new blog The Single Year. this young lady is giving up men, dating, and sex all together. her plan is very well drawn out and detailed. check her blog out. awesome layout and set up. part of me thinks she's nuts. the larger part of me admires her courage i guess. im not quite sure exactly what her motivation behind it is, like what is the whole story behind the idea. i've told myself i was giving up plenty of times. that i was just gona "do me" or that i'd give what's his name another try, just because i didn't want to be alone. im all confused. i know going back to an ex isn't the answer. they're an ex for a reason, and my patience nor my tolerance level has changed since i last checked. but there's always the "when you stop looking, love will find you" approach. that never really lasts long with me. my issue is, i never really know if i can consider myself looking in the first place. i mean, the fact is, i spend the most of my time working. if im not at the 9-5, im at the bar on most of my weekend nights. i meet plenty of guys at the bar, but im not one for beginning a serious relationship with a man i meet at a strip club (i bartend there. and i ONLY bartend). i have nothing against strip clubs. personally, i think they're fun. just not where i see finding the love of my life. but oh do they try. for a flirt and smart ass like me, im never at a loss for a target. im just never impressed by any of them. *sigh*
i tell myself i need to get out. how else am i going to find "the one?" but with whom? i can't run the streets of ny alone. yeah, there are some things i can do alone, but w my schedule, im not free until late evenings, and that just screams set up when u go at it alone at that hour. i don't really have female friends, least not ones i hit the streets w, and going with a male friend pretty much defeats the purpose. i hit yet another wall. this time, the note posted on the wall reads "work on giving back to to world, and the world will give back to you" (made that up myself, thank you very much). and then the question of my next blog arises: what is my gift to the world?
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