I live my life in a rush. My biggest reason for being late -- the snooze button. I hit snooze at LEAST, I mean a bare minimum, of three times every morning. I purposefully set my clock thirty minutes before I absolutely need to be awake, to even have a glimmer of a chance at getting out the door with a reasonable amount of time to get where I'm going. Read that run on sentence again..... I took the time to express it that way so that hopefully, you'd get it.
I don't know why I do it to myself. I know I need at least an hour and a half to get ready without any pressure. However, I continue to hit that snooze button until I barely have time to do what I need to do. I just will NOT get up when that alarm first goes off. When I first wake up, I'm awake. I just don't ever want to get out of my bed. That, in turn makes me lay around longer, and I get sleepy all over again. If I would just hop up and go, things would probably run smoother.... but that's not how I operate.
I find that I tend to hit the snooze button in other areas of my life as well. Follow me here.... the snooze button basically postpones the inevitable. Eventually I have to drag my tail out the bed and go to work. But I find that even when I'm wide awake and have someplace to be in the evening, I still tend to "hit snooze". Let's say I have to be somewhere at say 8pm after work. I have plenty of time to come home shower, change and be on my way. Dana? Me? Might don't make it. I'll find a number of tasks to do (that can be done at a later, more convenient time), and do them right then and there. For some reason, that task will all of a sudden take priority in my life. Do the dishes really need to be washed right now? Did I really need to sort my laundry now?? I'm not even doing laundry tonight!! Essentially I'm still hitting the snooze button. I'm avoiding the fact that I need to get myself ready to get out the door, and, GET OUT THE DOOR!
I don't know why I do it to myself, nor why I do it to the people waiting for me. It's not that I don't respect people's time, but rather, I think, that I value my own. Check it. Patience has always been a touch and go quality of mine. I worked with children for a long time, and I was patient with them. I mean they're kids. Cutting up is what they do. I can deal. But adults. Child bye. I just can't. Not in my life outside of work. On the job, I'm paid to be patient. But please believe on the other side of the phone I've broken a few pencils and slammed quite the number of receivers. I'm paid to keep my composure, and I likes my monies. But in life I want what I want, when I want it. The logic that I've worked out over time for my tardiness in most situations (generally that of the social kind) is that I don't want to wait for any one. If I'm late, I don't have to wait for someone else to show up. I'm the last one there. It's really that simple. I'm really also just a slow person. I take long to complete essential life tasks. I eat slow, I bathe slow and I get dressed slow (as an odd side note though, I talk fast lol).
Any whoseamerfitz, this snooze button effect has also reared its ugly head in other areas of my life. Most depressingly at this stage in my life; my professional endeavors. This, I know is at no one’s doing but my own (that makes it even more depressing. Simply knowing that I'm doing it to myself). I graduated from a four year university with my bachelors of arts and science in communications (with a quite useless (IMO) concentration in media studies). Don't get me wrong, I loved what I was doing in school. It made me happy. But now, on the other side, in real life, it's ALMOST proven useless to me. Now, too, let's not get carried away. A degree is a great accomplishment, and I am indeed proud of such. It also got me the job I'm at now. However, unlike graduating as a nurse or even graduating as a finance or accounting major, my communications background is SO vague. When you graduate with a degree in something as "focused" and "geared towards something specific" as nursing or finance, you know where you're going once you graduate (for the most part. Not to say that said graduates are all guaranteed jobs or that their search is any easier, but at least you know in what general direction to look and where you will comfortably fit). I don't know where to go with myself.
I want to get my masters, but in what? Communications clearly isn't proving to be what's hot in these here streets. Maybe I'm wrong. Lord knows I'd love to be. If you have some suggested fields that I as a communications major should look into for employment, do tell. But for the most part, I feel like I need to find some type of professional direction, BEFORE I commit to the time, money and effort involved in getting my masters. Part of me wants to pick some arbitrary field of business, perhaps business management, and just get the degree already. Another part of me wants to study and learn about something that I already love and enjoy. However, obtaining a graduate degree isn't an easy and straight forward task. There are pre requisites and qualifications required; you can't just jump into it. As much as I would love a degree in something fashion related, going for a second undergraduate degree at this point in time isn't the best move. *sigh*
I'm comfortable at my current job. Not my dream job, but it pays the bills. Ideally, I want something where I am challenged on a more frequent basis and I have the opportunity to be creative. Not getting that here at all. I feel like my growth as well has been stunted here. I'm no longer seeing the potential to grow in the company. Sadly, I feel like I'm less intelligent now, than I was when I started here. *whoa* I may have learned some life skills, but in a nutshell, I just don't feel as "smart" as I did when I started here. I've been sold the dream, and it kept me dedicated for some time, but I'm running out of fizzle. The dreamer in me wants to pick up and run away. Start somewhere new, and grow. The only real issue I see with that is the job I'd get "somewhere new." I don't want to fall into the same trap - get comfortable with the money, and not be happy with the work being done. I'd love the new surroundings, but who knows about the work. -- Press Snooze -- With these concerns, I just stay where I am, hoping that the answers will magically come to me. I'm a believer of "everything happens for a reason" and "in God's time", but I definitely don't believe that I'm supposed to sit dormant and wait for it to just happen on its own. I have to work for what I want. But when you're unsure of what you really want, how do you decipher the work needed to be done?? At this point in my life, I feel like I'm awake, but laying in the bed waiting for the alarm to go off again. I know I need to get up, but I just can't bring myself to making that first move. I'm not late yet, there's time to get started and do it without rushing or fear of being late. However, since I know I'm not plum out of time, I lay dormant, waiting for it to "feel" like the right time to move. See, I bet a few of you didn't really see where I was going with this "snooze effect" lol. Well pow. This is my truth. This is my struggle.
The "me" I know is an indecisive worrier. Bad combo. I constantly worry about the decisions I make, and also those that I do not make. And right in the middle is my difficulty with making decisions at all. I've prayed on it, and I know I can probably pray even more on it, but like I mentioned before, in my world, I don't believe He wants me to sit on my tookus waiting on Him to do it all for me. He helps those that help themselves.... couldn't tell you if that's actually in the bible or not, but I feel like something in there can be interpreted to mean that. I mean you can pretty much find anything in the bible if you "look" for it. But clearly, I digress.
Considering the "snooze button" life I live, this post has spanned three days. Currently, it's Thursday. I actually did get up and out the bed when the alarm went off. I decided to mop the floor. Yeah. I do these things. Was late to work, but only by 4 minutes. A VAST improvement from the (mumbles inaudible number) days before. Ya'll should know bout me and my baby steps by now....
Thursday, day three of this post as it may be, I'm still undecided about so many things in my life. I'll leave the broader questions of what life is about as a whole to you philosophers out there.... I'm just worried about what MY life is doing, and those directly involved in my life. Many of you will say I'm still young and have time. I get it. But in my head that's an excuse. It's like allowing a 4 year old to not use "please" and "thank you". We get that they're young and still getting the grasp of being polite, but let's be real. They need to start developing the habit. 'Cause pretty soon, and a lot sooner than you think, not having and using that skill is just tacky. That's the way I feel about having my life plan together. In the broader scheme of life, I'm still young and there's time to figure it all out. But that's not an excuse to sit and do nothing!! I'll be 30 before I know it. Then I'll be 35. Then enter mid-40s, 50. Time isn't waiting for me to get my act together, then let me age. Just doesn't work that way. At some time in live you're expected to just have your ish together. That age may be different for many people. But I tell you one thing, I ain't tryna be that damn near 40 year old still trying to "find" themself. I think your 20s are for the search, your 30s for the working out your findings and your 40s for putting it all together and doin the damn thing so you can just be unapologetically you. But what do I know. I'm only 25. It's now Friday, and it wouldn't be unlike me to change my mind about how I view life at some point. Who knows what I'll think come 26.
This adult thing is pretty damn hard. Hopefully I can just learn to wake up when the alarm goes off. I'll worry about the rest when I get out the bed.
No comments:
Post a Comment